When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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