On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
