We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
