Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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