I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
