Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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