I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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