Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
