Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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