I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
