i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
