Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Pooping to opera.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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