i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Who died my cat blue again?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
