butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
