just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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