No stitches, just platelets and will power
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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