I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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