I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I smell stomach acid.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
