Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
