i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize