he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
