I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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