he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
