Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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