The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
