Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
