just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
