Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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