You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize