I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
