I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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