I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Who died my cat blue again?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
