you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
