he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
