I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Randomize
