never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
