You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
