Plan B is the new Plan A
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
