Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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