I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
