She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
