omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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