when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
