There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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