He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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