I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
