I wish my penis had an off switch
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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