there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize