yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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