You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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