I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
