My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
