"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
