Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
