Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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