Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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