my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
